Because it needs to be said...

You just can't run away from yourself. I realized that awhile ago on the large scale. I stopped using travel as a way to try and escape dealing with my life as it is (and thus having to deal with myself as I am). I really wish some (ahem!) other people in my life would realize this too.

Then again, aren't I just doing the same thing on a small scale with bingeing? Trying to run away from the demons in my head by going to a place of numbness? That's the funny thing though. The smaller a habit is the harder it is to break. Unlike plane tickets, using bingeing to escape does not cost me hundreds of dollars. Unless you count the therapy, I guess. Hmm...

I suppose my thought process could be, "How much will this binge set me back in my recovery and how much will I have to pay (in therapy, doctor's visits, getting bigger clothes, etc.) to get back to where I started?" I don't actually see this working in the immediacy that bingeing usually excites, but it's still a thought...

Here's hoping that blogging helps BED

I have bought so many books to help me heal my binge eating disorder (BED). One of them said that using technology is helpful. You know, getting shit out there. Really expressing the pain as well as the issues, and maybe even things that can help.

I just spent all day in bed. Crying. Frustrated and yet not frustrated enough to really kick this lovely eating disorder/severe depression thing in the ass. Hopeless, with just the tiniest speck of hope. Ready to throw in the towel, but there's no where to throw the towel to.

...And my mind keeps churning: "Have to come up with a plan, have to figure this shit out." Well, this is as close to a plan as I get. Start an anonymous blog. Write in it every day. Write down the pain and the issues and the attempts to get better. Write down a plan. See if we can stick to it. See what works and what doesn't. Find the balance. Find the resolve to start really living and stop bingeing.

The coming week's goal:

• 2 days out of 7 without bingeing (currently bingeing 7 days out of 7)
• go to bed by 10pm every night (sleep has a huge impact on the urge to binge)

The coming week's mantra: "Find the balance"